Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
