oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Life is so much better after having sex.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
