Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
