8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Acid is not a monday night drug
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
