Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
