Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
