My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
