She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
