is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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