Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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