Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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