true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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