guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
