Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
