please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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