Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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