Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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