Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Boobs speak an international language.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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