i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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