Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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