Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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