It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I need a burrito and a hug.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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