I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
