just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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