College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
