How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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