Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize