WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
