he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
