im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
