my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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