her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I seem to have left my pride at pride
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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