Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
