life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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