I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
