he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
