nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
