Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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