I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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