Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
