I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
