He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
