you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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