I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
