did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize