i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
