official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
In other news, I just burned my penis
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
