On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
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