just tell him i said nine months
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
