Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
