Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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