the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
