I just made out with a guy for $7.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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