My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
