I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
