Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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