I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
