I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
