Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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