I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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