I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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