I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
