he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
