My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I'm really busy with my period
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