"it" just moved
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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