The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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